Secret Weapon (BBC Merlin fanfiction)

[thebiballerina]

Rating: General Audiences
Category: Gen
Fandom: Merlin (TV 2008)
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin (Merlin) & Original Character(s), minor Gwen/Arthur Pendragon, canon levels of past Gwen/Merlin
Characters: Merlin (Merlin), Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Knights of the Round Table (Merlin), Elyan (Merlin), Gwaine (Merlin), Leon (Merlin), Percival (Merlin), Original Female Character(s)
Additional Tags: The Talk, the knights attempt to give Merlin "the talk", Awesome Gwen (Merlin), original character flirts with Merlin but their actual relationship is ambiguous, canon levels of past Gwen/Merlin, Minor Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Married Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Post-Season/Series 04, Pre-Season/Series 05, Merlin is a Little Shit (Merlin), Humor, Discord: Land of Myth (Merlin), Blanket Permission
Language: English
Originally Published: 2021-11-17
Word Count: 1,228
AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35172865

Summary

After a tavern maid flirts with Merlin, Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table decide that they need to give Merlin "the talk". Merlin really wishes they would not. When they finally corner him, Merlin has had enough, and decides to use his secret weapon.

Notes

Although this story features flirting, discussions of relationships, and assumptions about romantic interest, it is essentially gen. The actual nature of the relationship between Merlin and the original character is implied to be platonic, though technically left up to the reader to interpret. The only other romantic elements are minor mentions of canon relationships (Arthur and Gwen's marriage, and the past flirtation of Gwen and Merlin).

Thank you so much to stanzas for beta reading this!

Thank you to everyone at the Land of Myth Discord server, which is a server N16 and I created that is focused on the gen side of the Merlin fandom. This story was inspired by a conversation there, and encouraged/enabled by several members. It's also been a source of many fascinating conversations and other story/meta ideas (which I hope to post relatively soon). We have a Dreamwidth community, where you can find additional information and a link to the Discord server.

Secret Weapon

Merlin was tired of sneaking around. Sure, he was used to it. He spent a lot of time following suspicious individuals and dodging either people or creatures who were intent on going through him to get to Arthur. But this time was different. This time, he was hiding from his friends. And not because they were enchanted, nor because he had been accused of anything suspicious. No, he was hiding from them because they were trying to be nice .

The tavern was where it had all started. For once, Merlin actually had visited the tavern, having been dragged out to celebrate with Arthur and the knights of the Round Table after a successful quest. He had originally been happy to see that one of the tavern maids working was Lynette. Lynette was ever grateful to him, as he had helped her younger brother through an illness when Gaius was busy helping a member of the court. He had tried to tell her that he was just doing his job, but she would have none of it, and had practically fallen all over him in her gratefulness. Initially, her flirting had been a bit intense, but now it was somewhat of a shared joke between them.

Unfortunately, Merlin had made the mistake of assuming that Lynette would tone it down in the presence of the king and his closest knights. He would soon be proven wrong. After she had welcomed and set drinks in front of the king and the knights, she slid a tankard in front of Merlin. "And Merlin, dear, your first drink is on the house, as always."

"Oh, Lynette, that's really not necessary," he hurried to reply. He had never actually taken advantage of that free drink, but Lynette reminded him of the offer whenever they encountered each other.

"Don't be silly," she patted his arm and walked away, laughing slightly.

The knights exchanged mirthful looks.

"So… 'first drink is on the house', huh?" Elyan kicked Merlin under the table.

"And apparently always is? That's quite a deal." Gwaine waggled his eyebrows.

"No wonder you're always at the tavern," Arthur huffed.

Merlin rolled his eyes at that, but said nothing.

"How did you manage to swing that?" Leon asked.

"Oh, it's nothing, she just insists, even though I keep on telling her it's ridiculous." Merlin hoped they would let the subject drop.

Of course, he would not be quite so lucky. Lynette continued to flirt the entire night, and didn't seem to care in the slightest that he was not responding in kind, as he usually might. In fact, she seemed to become bolder when she noticed the reactions from the knights, who kept encouraging Merlin to interact more with her. Merlin, for his part, was hoping the table might develop magic of its own and decide to swallow him whole. The only enjoyable part of the situation was the stunned facial expressions Arthur kept making.

 

That tavern visit was three days ago. Since then, each knight of the Round Table had, in their own way, attempted to "help" him by "explaining" that Lynette was flirting, giving "advice" on how to respond, or even "educating" him on some of the "details" of being involved with a woman. Merlin had dodged each conversation once he realized where it was headed, and had been avoiding being alone with the knights ever since. He'd even been avoiding too much time alone with Arthur after the king had made a few attempts at starting a conversation about how to "woo" a woman. Really, all this would be endearing if it weren't so… insulting. Did they really think he was so naïve? Yes, apparently, and they had made it their mission to rectify that.

Merlin was now enjoying some peace and quiet in a set of empty chambers, polishing Arthur's armor where he was confident no one would look for him. However, his confidence turned out to be misplaced when Gwaine poked his head into the room, saw Merlin, and then sidled into the room, followed by all the knights. Merlin wondered how on Earth they had found him, before a guilty-looking Gwen followed Arthur into the room. She must have refused to be left behind when they had enlisted her help in finding him.

Ever the fearless leader, Arthur started to explain. "Listen, Merlin, we know you've been avoiding us."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he responded. "Well, now that's settled, I'll just be going now." He gathered Arthur's armor and made for the door, only to face a strategically placed Percival in the doorway. Merlin glared. Percival shrugged, and did not move.

"Merlin, we just want to have a conversation with you. There's no need to be embarrassed!" Gwaine's reassurances would be sweet, if they weren't so misguided.

Leon sighed. "It's understandable that you don't know how to interact with… prospective partners. We're not judging you; we just want to help."

Merlin groaned and set the armor down. So they were doing this then. "Seriously?" he asked. "None of you know enough to lecture me on this."

Arthur bristled. "I'm literally married," he said, gesturing to Gwen as if they might have forgotten.

"And who was it that did half the work in wooing your wife, again? Huh?"

Gwen nodded. "He's got a point."

The room enjoyed some laughter at Arthur's expense before turning serious again. Gwaine tried next. "Look, no one's saying you're not charming, but we just want to give you some pointers."

Merlin scoffed. "I've seen how many times you've been rejected. I'll pass."

"Hey!"

Gwen nodded again. "Also true."

Leon took the practical approach. "We just wanted to explain some... pertinent knowledge."

"I live with a physician. Do you really think I don't know how human anatomy works?"

He supposed it was too much to hope that would satisfy them.

Elyan's attempt was the final straw. "That's all well and good, Merlin, but there are some things you can only learn with experience—"

"You want experience?" Merlin interrupted him.

Gwen must have sensed the danger in his voice. "Don't do this," she warned.

"We're just saying, have you ever even kissed someone?" Elyan asked.

Merlin smirked. Well, he certainly wasn't going to pass up an opportunity like that.

"Oh no ," Gwen spoke resignedly.

"I don't know, Elyan, why don't you ask your sister about that?"

The room erupted into chaos. Merlin ducked behind a distracted Percival, and ran .

 

Not long after, Gwen found Merlin in the alcove they had liked to gossip in when she was still a servant.

"We had a deal."

"I know, I know, I was never to tell them about the kiss. But you said there was an exception!" Merlin defended himself.

Gwen laughed. "Oh, I'm not mad. I said you could tell them about it if they were being really annoying, and they were. I'm just wondering, was it worth it?"

Wait, what? "What do you mean, worth it?"

"Think about it. You can only surprise them with that once. That was your secret weapon. It doesn't have the same power anymore. So, was it worth it?"

Huh. Merlin had not thought of that. He considered it for a moment. Then again… "Did you see their faces?"

"I'll take that as a yes, then." Gwen's face broke into a conspiratorial grin. "And yes, I saw their faces."